My grandson is just over four years old. I get to spend time with him every week. As a result, he and I share a deep closeness.
It is a joy to buy books and toys for him—High Five magazine and a Brain Quest card deck; bubbles, balls, and balloons; popsicles, mini M&Ms, and mango lassi (a drink made from mango pulp and yogurt).
Even though all my actions are guided by instinct, I have another motivation that I might not have if we were living in a different time and place. My hope is that a strong emotional and relational foundation laid at this young age will inoculate him against fragility, temptations, and dysfunctions as he grows into his teen years and beyond.
However, I am aware of the risk that he might come to regard being indulged and being the center of attention as the natural order of things.
So, I have started introducing ideas such as
kindness and sharing
gratitude and reciprocity
family and community
In my view, words and practices that model and encourage these comprise Spirituality 101.
Searching and finding
In hindsight I see that my parents and grandparents modeled just these values. Even though the community in which we lived was much more overtly religious than them, that religiosity was practiced through much the same values.
When I was raising my children in the US, having no extended family nearby and lacking a community, I could not rely on the same organic transmission. I was on my own and I understood that I had to be nimble and creative to meet my children where they were, i.e., within their American context.
I kept an eye out for content, groups, camps etc. that would help start the conversation and keep it going. A gorgeously illustrated favorite was “Grandad’s Prayers of the Earth.”
I also joined a nearby Unitarian Universalist congregation at a friend’s suggestion. This turned out to be a great fit. My children and I developed our beliefs and learned to thoughtfully and confidently articulate them.
Baby steps
When I recently visited a bookstore after a long time, browsing the shelves turned out to be a rewarding experience—more so than searching online with the help of recommendation engines. Serendipity brought me to what I was seeking.
I realize that I am not well-equipped to explain the words “God” and “Pray,” especially to a 4-year-old.
But one must start somewhere. After all, even the youngest “readers” take words like “dinosaur,” “unicorn,” “forever,” and “superpower,” that are common in board books, in their stride. Through a kind of alchemy, they get the gist of the stories heard in the embrace of loving caregivers.
My hope is that the same will happen as I read books like these to (and later, with) my grandson.
Time is of the essence
I love “Grandads Prayers of the Earth” because it talks about praying in the context of Nature, creativity, and hard times. Its most powerful message may well be the boy’s relationship with his grandad. Many years later, memories of shared time and meaningful conversations put the boy back in touch with his grandfather’s spirituality and give him a sense of meaning.
So, spending abundant unrushed and undistracted time with a child lays a strong foundation through the formation of a nurturing relationship. Starting when the child is young helps seed the child’s cognitive, emotional, and spiritual DNA.
As the child enters adulthood, he is free to examine, question, and reject any of these ideas and beliefs. It is good for the emerging adult to have ideas to question on the path to eventually finding the ones that make sense to him.
A vacuum or lack of any explicit foundation is, in my view, worse than imparting beliefs that the child may eventually reject. This is because, to paraphrase Thoreau, all humans are naturally inclined to worship something. Without a foundation, the child-turned-adult will seek to fill that vacuum, and others who are far less principled and scrupulous will rush in to fill that vacuum.
Praying across generations
Rereading Grandad’s story after decades offered me new clarity about how I learned spirituality from my grandmother.
She had lost her own mother at a very young age, was educated only up to the fourth grade, and was married at the age of fourteen. Unmothered and unschooled, she had acquired her religious beliefs from the culture in which she existed. But her practice of those beliefs was uniquely hers.
I recall walking with her to the neighborhood temple and, following her cue, praying with folded hands and closed eyes. I recall her telling me stories from Hindu mythology and see now that they formed my core ideas about morality. I recall the gentleness and kindness with which she interacted with every person who crossed her path. Most of all, I recall her comforting me while also reinforcing my mother’s teaching when, as a young teen, I would run to her after altercations with my mother.
My grandmother taught me about being gentle and kind and about being present and patient. She taught me how to pray and how to be a grandmother.
Whenever I am back in Mumbai, I visit the old neighborhood temple. Just like the boy in the story, there I find the spirituality—peace, sense of connection, and meaning—that I don’t find anywhere else.
So yes, I think spirituality can be taught and it is never too early to start. I pray that I will be the instrument that passes my grandmother’s spirituality to my grandkids. That even as I try to be a good pencil, I am also a good pencil-maker.
Questions:
How do you / did you convey religious/spiritual beliefs to your children / grandchildren?
Any book recommendations?
Coming up next Sunday: Life is a Train Journey.
As usual, you have expressed sentiments that resonate with me. Specifically, that we need to be active in passing down spiritual values, because our progeny will seek some way to fill the God-shaped hole in their heart. Why isn’t it best to share what we’ve come to believe?
I think you responded positively to a post of mine some time ago that was adjacent in subject matter to this one. Link below:
https://open.substack.com/pub/joelelorentzen/p/faith-by-default?r=1p5p1m&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web