Katherine

Earnestness (her and mine) was not enough

2019

As an empty-nester whose children lived time-zones away, I was feeling a bit unmoored. Helping young people achieve to their potential is my passion and in this particularly dry season of my life, I thought that I would try to find a feeling of being useful by helping students. I posted a note on Nextdoor offering to be a combination tutor, academic coach/motivator, and accountability partner. Only one person responded. Her name was Katherine.

Her son was in middle school, and she was looking for someone to help him with his homework and keep him on track. Even though merely helping with homework was not quite what I had in mind, I was happy to meet with Son 2-3 times per week for a couple of hours each time. I will write about Son another time.

Katherine was a single mom who worked in a senior living facility as a nurse’s aide. Son was the youngest of her five children and the only one still at home. Katherine was stern with Son to the point of being extra vigilant to make sure he did all his homework. She would even meet with his teachers to demand they hold him to grade-appropriate standards (this was not a given).

As I came to know Katherine’s backstory, my commitment transferred from her son to her. What I mean is that I became as eager to support her and encourage her as I was to motivate Son and keep him engaged in his schoolwork.

When the pandemic began, the tutoring sessions came to an end. I soon moved cross-country to live close to my children and their families. And that seemed to be the end of my relationship with Katherine.

2020

Once I was somewhat settled in my new location, I signed up to be a volunteer math tutor to a 6th grader through an established education non-profit. The student lived several hundred miles away, and so I met with her twice a week on Zoom. I was thrilled when her academic counselor told me that she had gone from a D- to a B in just 3 months. The story of my experience with this student will have to wait for another time.

The point is that I realized that Zoom tutoring could work. So, I texted Katherine and offered to tutor Son remotely. Unfortunately, her situation had changed and so she could not avail of the offer. “But,” she asked tentatively, “would you be willing to tutor me?”

As Katherine explained, she wanted to become a nurse. Before she could enroll in a nursing program, she needed to complete biology prerequisites and to pass a standardized exam. She needed help with the math portion of the exam.

I readily agreed to help Katherine. We started meeting on Zoom a couple of times a week, depending on her work and community college course commitments. I downloaded a pdf version of the practice tests.

Katherine and I worked together for 8-10 sessions. I could see that she was struggling with basic concepts that were at the level of business math that is taught in 9th grade. Even so, she persevered, and I held her hand along her path.

When Katherine texted to let me know that she had failed to clear the standardized test, I felt very sorry that all her efforts had come to naught. I encouraged her to try again and told her that I would be happy to help in whichever way I could.

Unfortunately, Katherine did not take me up on the offer. Our connection devolved to exchanging greetings on Mothers’ Day, but even that has not happened in a couple of years.

Making lemonade (or at least trying to)

I can almost taste the regret that Katherine must have felt. It must have seemed to her that, regardless of how hard she worked, she just couldn’t catch enough of a break to climb even one step higher from her current station. It was almost as if the common positive psychology exhortations that promise “you can be whatever you set out to be” did not apply to her because of her “systemic” weaknesses.

Although she looked much younger, Katherine was only in her late forties. It was clear that she had had her children at a very young age and that had precluded any possibility of getting a solid educational foundation.

I could not help thinking of the many young women and men who don’t get the necessary direction, nurturing, and guardrails at the most formative times in their lives. Each and every one of us needs these supports. But these are not available to too many like Katherine. Worse, having missed the proverbial bus, they are relegated to a track of drudgery and hardship such that, when they eventually recognize and visualize their full potential, they don’t have the cognitive preparation/foundation or the work-life balance (including partner support) to pick up where they left off all those many years ago. The Girl Interrupted remains forever interrupted.

The tendency to not follow the “success sequence” (high school completion —> marriage —> children) is worse than a luxury belief. In a typical luxury belief, the cost of an ill-advised belief system is not borne by those who hold that belief because they are well-heeled and have multiple options and second or even third chances. In the case of individuals like Katherine, they hold the same beliefs (or are as thoughtless) as the well-heeled, but without the safety net of the well-heeled. As a result, they are hamstrung for life

I wish there was a way to get Katherine in front of classes of high school students so that she could tell them how hard it is to walk in her shoes. Moreover, if there could be a way to pay graduates of the school of hard knocks like Katherine, she would be turning sawdust into gold by earning a good living while also helping vulnerable young people avoid the traps that waylay so many of them.

Having had a front row seat to observe Katherine’s life, I wring my hands with helplessness for there is very little that I can do.

With the new school year about to begin, I am about to start volunteering as a tutor at a high school in my neighborhood. If a suitable opportunity presents itself, I will share Katherine’s story with the students. My hope is to make them understand that:

a) They should be diligent students, especially of Math and English, because they will need mastery in these subjects in any job or profession that they choose.

b) Sometimes there are no or few second chances and so they must make the most of each and every educational and other self-development opportunity that comes their way.

c) There is a right time (and right order, i.e., success sequence) for everything and if they apply themselves now, they will enjoy the fruits throughout their lives. Conversely, if they squander the opportunities now, they will end up having to pay the price for the rest of their lives.

Will I make a difference? I sure hope so.

~~~

Photo by Joshua Mcknight: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-throwing-confetti-1139317/